April Carnivore Contest, Homemade Mayo, and Vegetable Oil 411

Well the March Kitchen Clean Contest at the Bus is over - I managed half the month totally clean, with slip-ups either being artificial sweeteners, dark chocolate or - once or twice - rice.

On to bigger and better!

This contest is the best one yet, in my opinion. According to Dean, pack leader over on the Bus, the April Carnivore Contest serves the following purpose:

...to help people find out what they can and can't give up in their pursuit of a more natural and healthy diet, based on what we evolved on. If you can go all the way with this thing, you're lucky. It's not really about that, though. I mean it can be, if that's your thing. But, it's really more about focusing on something harder, so we'll get our minds off what we're "giving up" in our diet, and instead see what we're "adding to" our natural diet. I can begin to really appreciate how just a cup of coffee can be seen as a treat, and how I don't need to eat ice cream or pie for that mental fix. When I am focused on keeping veggies out of my diet, I'm not thinking about donuts. Haven't thought about those in months. If "slipping up" is eating some almonds or drinking some cream or eating a tomato, then we're doing pretty damn good, now aren't we?!

Agreed! Whether you think that vegetation is harmful, unnecessary or vital, these contests really help keep you focused on adding natural, good whole foods to your diet. Plus - they're fun!

The rules will be following for the month of April are:

All foods should be as natural, fresh, and whole as possible. Animal fat should be kept high, 60-80% of calories, and carbs should be kept as low as possible. The cleaner one eats and the closer they get to an exclusive raw animal diet, the more points they can rack up. The goal is not to be perfect, but to see how close you can get to our ancestor's diet.

Allowed
* any part of any animal (including processed meat)
* eggs
* VLC dairy
* VLC vegetation (includes nuts)
* olive/nut oil
* VLC condiments, seasoning, salt, AS
* VLC beverages

To get any points you MUST eat only what's Allowed and remain under 20g carbs.

If you had something not allowed or went over 20g carbs you are out for the day, you get zero points.

Add up your points each day. You can get up to 5 points per day.

One point for each, for having:
- only allowed items + under 20g carbs
- no alcohol + no AS
- no vegetation + no oil
- no processed meat + no dairy (butter is not counted as dairy)
- some raw animal part / raw egg

So, for instance, if you had no vegetation and no oil during the day, you would get ONE point for abstaining from those items... or if you had no alcohol and no AS, you would get ONE point for not having those things... or if you had no dairy and no processed meat that day, there's another ONE point.

You can get up to FIVE points per day.

For me, I'll be avoiding cheese. I've developed eczema under my nose, and I suspect it's cheese-related. I will include heavy cream for now. Coconut milk falls under vegetation/oil, and will be counted as such.

I am aiming for 100 points total out of a possible 150.

So does no-cheese leave me out of the Oopsie club? Nope! I've made mayo, and will be experimenting with mayo-oopsies throughout the month. Making mayo is so, so easy - just oil and egg, and whatever seasonings you care to add. I followed Ray Audette's recipe in Neanderthin:

1 whole egg
1/2 t dry mustard
1/4 sea salt
1/4t pepper
1 1/2 T lemon juice
1 cup light olive oil (I subbed walnut oil, bc I didn't have any olive, and didn't need the whole cup)

Put everything but the oil in a blender and whizz. Take the plastic stopper out, and slowly drizzle oil in. That's it! Simple and fast. One minute, you've got liquidy, oily crud whirling about; then, all of a sudden, it transforms into thick, white mayo before your very eyes. Now that I've done it, I don't know why I'd ever buy mayo again. Tastes much better than store-bought, and you can control what's in it. Homemade mayo lasts about a week in the fridge - store-bought can sit in there for ages, even though it's made with oils (usually canola or soybean) that are not known for their stability or long shelf life. Something to think about.

Even so, nut oils (like other polyunsaturated oils or PUFAs) are too high in omega 6 linoleic acid compared to omega 3, and are best used sparingly. Too much omega 6 can interfere with the production of important prostaglandins (hormone-like substances that contribute to functions such as the dilation and constriction of blood vessels, control of blood pressure, and modulation of inflammation) and result in blood clots, inflammation, high blood pressure, GI tract irritation, depressed immune function, sterility, cell proliferation (an increase in the number of cells through cell division and growth) and weight gain. When omega 3 linoleic acid is in balance with omega 6, prostaglandin production is balanced as well.

Unfortunately, most commercial vegetable oils are way out of whack. Traditionally, PUFA consumption came from the small amounts in nuts, seeds, green veggies, fish, olive oil and animal fats (nope, animal fat is not 100% saturated), as well as legumes and grains if eaten. The vast majority of fatty acids in the diet were saturated and monounsaturated, and came from animal sources (lard, tallow, then butter etc), tropical oils (coconut, palm) and olive oil. These fats began a slow decline in the early decades of the 1900's (as heart disease started singing "I'm Coming Out" and strutting around in glittery dresses), with the invention of glorious plastic foods like margarine, but we didn't start chugging massive quantities of PUFAs until the 1950's.

By 1950, heart disease had taken the lead role in "Cause Of Death" and was (literally) killing audiences nation-wide. Margarine and vegetable oils had by then practically replaced natural fats like butter and lard. The connection should have been obvious. It was obvious. Instead, we got the lipid hypothesis, kicked off by a study on rabbits eating cholesterol (scroll up to the first paragraph). By the 1990's, consumption of vegetable oils had jumped from less than 2g per day to 30g, per person. Butter had plummeted to about 5g per day, and use of lard and tallow had dropped by two-thirds. We all know what happened to heart disease rates - they kept pace, despite the claims that foods made from soybean, canola, corn and safflower oils, among others, were "heart healthy" and animal fats were suitable only for the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who don't have to worry about clogged arteries, the lucky bastards.

Of course then we learned about the dangers of trans fats, found in partially hydrogenated vegetable oils, and now we can buy trans fat free margarine and other veggie oil containing processed foods. Problem solved? Nope. In addition to the whole prostaglandin issue, studies have shown numerous problems resulting from PUFA consumption. A 1994 study published in The Lancet showed that almost three quarters of the fat in artery clogs is...wait for it...polyunsaturated. For more depth than I can go into here, I highly recommend reading everything Mary Enig has ever written on the subject of fats, starting here and here.

So yes, I intend to make my own mayo but I will focus on keeping animal fats in the lead role. We evolved eating them. We thrived eating them. We wouldn't be here, loving our hearts with Becel margarine, if it weren't for animal fats. Seems pretty simple to me. A high (animal) fat diet has made me feel better than I've ever felt, and these contests at the Bus serve as constant reminders of that. Even knowing what I know, sometimes I need all the reminders I can get!

Carnivore Challenge Update - The Cheese Eggwich

So I've done 6 days of carnivory so far, and it has gotten easier. My appetite, which was out of whack there, seems to be back to normal for the most part. I know I need more fat, which is hard when you're keeping dairy down, so I may up my egg consumption. They soak up a LOT of fat.

And I now have the best way ever to eat eggs - a cheese eggwich. This comes from Stanley "Bear" Owsley, who made an unforgettable stop in at Active Low Carbers back in February 2006 - his thread, "The real human diet is a totally carnivorous one", caused a huge stir. I'm not going to comment on that - if you're curious, have a read through (but be warned, there's almost 4,000 replies!), though I will say that this guy has eaten nothing but meat, with some eggs, dairy, spices and coffee thrown in the mix, for over 47 years. If you're curious about carnivory, or really, really hate vegetables (maybe you're a supertaster?) he's the guy to talk to.

Here's Bear on the cheese eggwich:

The -wich story. A ham 'sandwich' could be called a ham 'breadwich'. In this way you can construct various names for other meaty dishes by substituting something else for the bread covers.

Eggs and cheese can make two kinds of -wich, the cheese eggwich and the egg cheesewich. The eggwich has eggs on the outside, and is a hot dish- the cheesewich has cold poached or fried egg between thick slices of cheese, good for a bag lunch. We are going to describe how to make the first one, usually eaten as a hot lunch or brekky:

In an 8 in (20cm) skillet with butter (Scanpan Ceramic Titanium is best) on low heat, break three eggs and break their yolks.

Add a very light sprinkle of chilli powder (like Texas Gunpowder, which is dried jalapeña) and fresh grind on a little black pepper (don't over-do the peppers). Other spices can be experimented with, but the two peppers do just fine. Layer on thin slices of cheese, like cheddar, Jarlsberg etc.- enough to cover the eggs.

Break on top, two more eggs and break their yolks. Carefully see to it that the cheese is covered with egg. Add some more butter. Watch closely and when the bottom eggs are just jelled, carefully flip the mass over, cook for a short additional time and serve.

It will take some practice to get it right, but once you do, it is easy and a true delight. It is one of our favourites around here. Properly done, the melted cheese is nicely sealed between two layers of egg, with a pleasant colour on the outside. Kids love it.

In fact- everyone loves a cheese eggwich.

I made mine in a very small cast iron pan. I used two eggs for the bottom, and sprinkled on onion and garlic powder, crushed red pepper flakes, and mixed ground peppercorns. Once the bottom firmed up some, I lay thin slices of cheddar and mozarella cheese overtop and then added another egg, mooshing it about until the cheese was covered. My pan was too small to flip this in, so I finished it under the broiler.

WOW. I mean, seriously wow. It's very different from a cheese omlette - I can't say how, exactly, but it is. When you cut into it, the cheese oozes out from the middle - fantastic. Mine was more like a layered quiche, because of the pan I used - if I wanted something flatter that I could pick up, I'd have to go bigger. But there's all sorts of possibilities with this. Next time, I'm going to add back bacon, or maybe ham.

Everyone loves a cheese eggwich - try it and see why. Thanks Bear!

Chocolate Mayo Pound Cake

Every so often, it comes up in casual conversation that I can't eat wheat. I apparently have the type of face that people want to cram food into, and they offer me crackers and cakes and all sorts of nummy stuff that makes my ass explode. I generally say I'm allergic, which is easier than explaining the whole gluten intolerance thing. And it's waaaay easier than saying "No thanks, I lowcarb" and hearing how meat and fat will ultimately lead to me dropping dead from a dramatic cardiac event, and that I desperately need grains in my diet to be healthy. So I say "I can't, actually, I'm allergic to wheat", and then watch as their face contorts into an expression of horror. "Oh my GOD," they exclaim, clasping their hands to their chest. "That must SUCK! What do you EAT?"

I eat this, beeyotches:
Okay...so it aint pretty. It looks like a cake that hit the bar early, drank far too much, talked too loud, smoked a deck, got in a fight en route to the streetcar, and woke up face down in a pile of Chinatown garbage and now has a helluva hangover and wants to be left alone, goddammit.

But oooooh...it's good. Real good. Eat-it-for-breakfast good. And...eh!...it's not fattening.

The original recipe was one I picked up at my lowcarb forum. I modified it slightly for my special needs and played with flavourings a tad. As with all recipes in this tasty world of ours, please do the same:

GFCF Chocolate Mayo Pound Cake

3c almond meal/flour
1/2c coconut flour
1/2c gluten-free flour (I used Bob's Red Mill all-purpose GF baking flour)
2/3c cocoa powder
1 1/4tsp baking soda
1tsp baking powder
1/2c Erythritol (or other granular sweetener - I love this one)
4 large eggs
1 1/2tsp liquid sweetener (I used Splenda, but you could use honey, stevia, agave etc
1t vanilla extract
1c mayo
2/3c DaVinci German Chocolate Cake syrup - wowza. (I've also used the French Vanilla to good effect, but this is better)
2/3c unsweetened chocolate almond milk (can use coconut milk or other milk...but this was yumm)

Just bung it all together and mix, then plunk in a bundt pan and bake at 325 for about 45-50 minutes. I do not own a bundt pan. I thought I bought one, but it turned out to be one of those pans you make angel food cake in. I reckon this is why my version looks like it's homeless and on crack. So buy a proper bundt pan, I implore you, and slice it into 16 for a mere 8g net carbs each.

For the glaze on top, I melted about 3oz of dark chocolate (75% cocoa) with coconut oil, a touch of coconut milk, and the chocolate syrup stuff. The coconut oil makes it harden some in the fridge. It adds maybe 1 or 2 carbs to a slice, if that - I didn't measure it out but rather followed my whimsy. That could be why the glaze looks accidental. Tastes good though - even the BF said so, and he hates cocoa and gluten-free and any cake not from a box.

Blooper Reel

Here's how the cake came out of the oven:

I don't know if you can tell, but the centre had puffed up and broken away from the rest of the cake, almost like a rooftop patio. Naturally I ate most of it, because when that happens it doesn't count as part of the cake proper and will not interfere with any weight-loss efforts.

I glazed it, and decided it looked homely. So I attempted to pretty it up:

Worse, really. Sad.

Irrational Chocolate Nutties

Every three months or so, I fall apart. Not a lot - just a little widgie bit. Normally, My Womanly Miracle is uneventful, with nary a cramp or twinge or tear; then, suddenly, the red bitch goddess whomps me hard upside the head and my emotional IQ plummets to pre-teen levels. I am aware of this, as is my darling love. He humours me, and I try to keep myself in check with various home remedies.

One of my favorite home remedies is Titanic. Every third Womanly Miracle I lock my doors, turn my ringer off, snug in under a blankie and watch Jack and Rose's doomed romance play out. It's a total bawl fest, and very healing. I love every little cliched moment of Titanic. Okay, except for when they're doing it in the car and her hand smacks against the window and slides down through the steam. Like, it's their first time - I seriously doubt he's giving it to her THAT good. She'd have to be on her knees for this to work and there's not much room in that back seat...though she could be on her belly, but then wouldn't we see him through the window? Are they on the floor or something? Anyway.

I'm on the couch, blanketed, watching Jack dance with Rose atop a table at the lower deck party, and I'm sobbing of course, because I know that they're doomed; the ship will start to sink and she will save him, then a bunch of running about and mutual saving happens, then he will save her with a floating door or something, then he'll freeze and die and she'll steal a whistle from a corpse and live and start a whole new life and get old and throw a very expensive necklace off a boat and then die, warm in her bed, and finally she'll return to Titanic and to Jack because he was her one true love, even though she got married and had kids and a life with some other guy and she only knew Jack for a few days when she was, like, a teenager but what does it matter, because true love is magical especially when it's doomed. Sigh.

I'm watching this and I'm thinking about my darling love, a rough-around-the-edges type like Jack. He would absolutely throw me on top of a floating armoire, or whatever Jack puts Rose on when the boat goes down, and give his life for mine. And I would absolutely let him. I would let him give his life for me. This realization makes me feel selfish, and I weep for my wretched, shrivelled soul. Then I think of all the people bobbing in the water with no-one to throw them on to a floating anything, and I bawl even harder. Then I realize I am totally alone in the world and that one day I will die, probably of some rare, hideous cancer or the ebola virus, and what have I done? Who am I? What does it all mean? I press pause, and hit speed dial.

"Hey babe," he answers.

"Hi," I sniff.

"What's wrong? Are you crying? Awwww."

"No-one's ever really loved me," I say.

He pauses. "Uh...I love you,"

"Well yeah YOU, but who else?"

Another pause. "Umm..."

"If we were on a boat..."

"Oh, it's your Womanly Miracle time." I hear faint gunshots start up in the background, possibly a helicopter. Sounds like Battle of Midway, 1942. It won't be the first time I've lost him to Xbox warfare.

"If my insides liquified and leaked out of my orifices, would you still think I was pretty?" This isn't going as well as I'd hoped.

"Babe, I love you. I just gotta asspedo* this boat and I'll be over later to give you hugs and kisses. Okay?"

Now it's my turn to pause. "Asspedo?"

"Bye babe." Click.

Well that sucked. My Womanly Miracle is in full swing and I can't even drag him down into emotional immaturity with me. Irritated, I hit the kitchen looking for an outlet. Nothing. Not a drop of junk food. So rather than drag my red-eyed, petulant, soon-to-be-dead self to the store for some chocolate, I made these:

Irrational Chocolate Nutties

1. Melt a few spoonfuls of coconut oil in the microwave, radiation be damned.
2. Dump some cocoa powder in and blend.
3. Whomp in a few spoonfuls of whatever nut butter is in the cupboard (almond hazelnut, in this case) and mix furiously.
4. Crush a bunch of nuts (for me, cashews) and chuck them in along with some dessicated unsweetened coconut. Add enough to make the mixture thick and chunky.
5. Dribble some honey in, and whatever other sweeteners you have (I used liquid stevia) to taste.
6. Schlomp spoonfuls of this stuff onto parchment paper and stick it in the fridge til it hardens, about 10 minutes or so.
7. Eat and feel better while Rose promises never to let go, and then lets go. God, she has great eyebrows. Bitch.

*Apparently, an "asspedo" is a torpedo expelled from the ass-end of a submarine and is generally aimed at a ship's balls (wherever they are), as in "Captain, I fired the asspedo at the shipballs! He's going down!" I believe this is Xbox as opposed to actual Navy terminology.

Dinner, April 3

Tossed some chicken drumettes with coconut flour, garlic and onion powder; then, fried them with reckless abandon in coconut oil.

Tell me - what looks yummier than chicken frying in hot oil? NOTHING, my friends. Once these were crispy they were whisked off for pampering with paper towels, then a zipper bag to be lovingly coated with Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Wing sauce, the king of all sauces. I adore all of Frank's stupendous sauces. If I am ever so lucky to meet Frank, I will immediately have sex with him out of sheer gustatory gratitude. I am a shameless 'ho when it comes to good sauce.

Next...

chopped organic bacon and leeks were gently crisped in a pan. Then, after the addition of a couple spoons of bacon grease (you don't save your bacon grease? Shame on you!) about 2 cups of beet greens and a handful or so of mixed herbs and baby lettuces were delicately tossed in. You cannot roughhouse with baby lettuces. Toss (gently) to acquire a healthy sheen of bacon grease, wilt, add a bit of herb dressing, toss (gently, dammit!), plate. Even picky greens-haters will eat leaves coated with bacon fat. And if they don't? Screw them. More for you.

Voila! A nummy (although dimly lit) dinner that is low-carb, full of good fats, and allergen-free. At least for me. Oh, there's probably a bunch of vitamins in there too...and due to the yummy fat, you'll actually absorb them! A novel concept totally lost on the likes of Dean Ornish (or as I call him, Count Meathater Von BaggyEyes) but we're so much smarter than the average doctor, no?