My Psyche and I Debate Carbs

That’s it. I am cutting out all sugar. Yep. And I am cutting out all grains from my diet. They just turn into sugar in my body, and sugar kills.

What about crackers? You’re never gonna have crackers again? Crackers are gonna kill you?

I’ll miss crackers. But it’ll be better for me.

Why, exactly, will it be better for you?

Well, crackers are processed and full of unhealthy vegetable oils, and I can eat like a whole box of them without realizing it. I put the ‘crack’ in ‘crackers’.

What are you going to put cheese on then? Hum? How will you snack on cheese?

I don’t need cheese either.

Liar liar pants on fire.

Okay fine. I can eat cheese alone, or with an apple.

Oh sure. Not really the same though, is it? Not quite the same crunchy salty goodness.

Uh huh. I’ll manage.

Aren’t apples also full of sugar?

Well…yes. Yes they are.

So why not just have the crackers then? Not like your body can tell the difference.

An apple is a whole food though. It’s better. And I won’t be eating a ton of them at one sitting.

If you say so. Hey, what about sandwiches? Hmmm? Never a sandwich again? No Subway? Assorted SUUU-uuub! So GOOO-oood!

Nope! Well…no. Okay, maybe the odd sandwich. Yeah. But luncheon meat is full of preservatives and chemicals and nitrates and god knows what else so I’d be better off not eating them either. So, no. Nope, nope no.

Uh huh, uh huh…what about when you make roast chicken, and you have the leftovers in a sandwich with lots of mayo and salt? Eh? That’s goooood stuff right there.

And after xmas dinner, the turkey…mmmm. Okay, those sandwiches could be an exception. A RARE exception.

What about tuna? Hum? You know you like your tuna!

Yes, but I have to put chips on a tuna sandwich.

Fantastic! Chips aren’t a grain.

No…but they’re CHIPS.

Right…

So they have no nutritional value at all. Plus they’re fried in vegetable oil. And I just can’t eat tuna without chips. I just can’t.

So a few little chips on a sandwich aren’t going to ruin your life, you know. You have to have some pleasure.

Bad enough I’d be having the bread.

So just spread the tuna between two chips, and lose the bread altogether! That sounds yummy! Why not try it now?

Good idea, I think I…alright, that’s enough. Stop it. I’ve made up my mind.

Of course you have, darling. So what about crusty bread? Mmm? What are you gonna dip in your winter stew? Lettuce?

I can eat stew without bread.

Okay – now you’re talking crazy.

Which reminds me – I’ll have to make it without potatoes, since they have a similar effect to starchy carbs and grains.

Oh pshaw! As if you’re never eating potatoes again.

I’m quite serious. They are a high GI food.

You’re half-English, quarter-Irish. Potatoes are in your genetic makeup.

So are fried kidneys, but you don’t see me going to town on those.

A life without potatoes is no life at all. Potatoes make the world go ‘round.

Yes but…but my blood sugar…insulin response…

Po-ta-to/well you came and my tastebuds were quaking/but I sent you away
Po-ta-to/ well you taste oh so good after baking/and I need you today…[1]

I guess once or twice a week would be okay. Right?

Welcome back to reality, sweetheart.

Potatoes are better than rice, anyway.

Now what’s wrong with…oh wait, we hate rice.

Totally.

Good riddance.

That’s right.

I know – chocolate! Chocolate is sugar, even the lovely dark chocolate you love, the chocolate that you let sit on your tongue and melt sloooowly…

I can do without.

And root beer? Oh, root beer! Nectar of the gods!

No problem.

Muffins? Carrot cake? Tortilla chips? Pitas? Cookie dough????

Optimum health feels better than any of those things taste.

…!

What?

You ARE going to die eventually, you know.

Not necessarily.



[1] This is part of the lost first version of the song that went on to be Barry Manilow’s hit “Mandy”. Apparently, Manilow wrote it in ’72 while he and Bette Midler were white-knuckling through the Atkins induction phase. Other songs he wrote during this period were “Tater Lady” (“I love to love a tater lady/ wild, wild, you really got me now/tater lady/ shine, shine, you know you’re cooking fine/tater lady…’), “Potato In New England (‘ And tell me when will our eyes meet/when can I peel you/when will this strong yearning end/and when will I eat you again…’) and “I Mash The Spuds” (“I’ve been hungry forever/ and I mashed the very first spud/ I put the flesh and the sour cream together/ I am tater/and I mash the spuds’).

Incidentally, it was during this time that Midler penned “Bread Beneath My Bed”, an early version of her most well-known song. Evidently, she was cheating.